project mjm.

Well, it’s been a rough past few weeks. On Tuesday, April 12th my grandma, Grandma Ginny, died. GG had been living in a nursing home since January, nursing a broken hip, but still maintained her sassy, energetic and loving personality; until the beginning of April when, as if overnight, her body got too tired. She stopped eating, drinking and taking her medications. Within a week, she was gone. 

When I saw her that last weekend, she made sure to let me know that it was going to be alright. After being vocally non-responsive all day, she looked at me from her bed and said shrugging her shoulders, “Don’t worry about me. I’m fine. You can go.” I told her I loved her and she responded with “I love you to, Megan.” and puckered up her lips to give me a kiss. Eyes blurred with tears and walking out of her room, I knew that yes, she was going to be okay.

What is hard for me is not her death-her body gave her 95 years of a wonderful life; but rather I’m sad about her not being here. Who is going to call me a ‘glamour girl’ every time I walk downstairs? Who is going to sit in her chair, drinking wine with me while I cook Thanksgiving dinner? Who is going to play with my babies and sing little old German songs to them? Who is going to be my Grandma Ginny? I know that it gets easier with time, but right now this heartbreak makes me cry at the most random times. I just miss her. 

But, Grandma Ginny has been reminding me that she’s still here, still with me, still part of my life. On the day that she died, I was crying in the bathroom at school when I realized that my underwear had been inside out all day. Of course they were. “It’s better to laugh and be happy than to be sad and cross all the time.” Thanks for reminding me, Grandma. Then later that week, an arrangement was delivered to my classroom: an Easter Lily surrounded by pussy willow branches. Grandma Ginny’s backyard had the most beautiful pussy willow tree in the world; I used to climb that tree for hours. When I called to thank my sister for the lily and especially for the thoughtful  pussy willows, she gasped. She only ordered the lily. So as these little serendipitous events occur, I’ll keep being reminded that Grandma Ginny is still here. Still with me. Still part of my life. Right now, though, I really just want to give her a hug.